you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
