I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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