And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
