I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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