you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
