Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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