I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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