i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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