Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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