we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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