if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
