Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
