life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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