just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
