you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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