Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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