He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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