Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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