Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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