you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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