I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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