I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
