he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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