Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
