My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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