So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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