think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
barbara walters just said penis...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
