was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
