My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
