I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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