Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
