Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
