I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
