You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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