I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
