I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
