Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
