I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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