I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i barfeds in our rink
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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