when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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