ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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