what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
People in love make me want to vomit
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
