god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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