those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
