she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
