Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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