My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
