I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize