We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
