if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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