Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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