time to smoke my breakfast
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize