Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
