I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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