He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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