Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
