When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
