omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
