Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize