By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
