I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
