i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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