I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
