that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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