you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
