Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
