got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Randomize
