You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
