It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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